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But apart from this, it had been a day made in heaven. The day made to restore my faith in life, in justice, in Jill and me and our marriage.But as an exhausted husband and a satisfied and replete wife lay there cuddling, something else started seeping back into our lives and my heart. Inevitably sparked by some half-formed thoughts and questions Jill shared.“Dave, honey, I really want our marriage to work.”Even before Jill had finished her nine words, my hackles were up, my antenna alert to danger. It was nothing Jill had said – it was the intonation of her voice, a voice just a little too on edge and taut to be about to say something normal.“But, honey, I was just wondering what’s a sensible speed for me to try and go cold turkey. What’s the best balance between making more room for me and you and making sure I don’t go cold turkey too quickly?”She’d used the most roundabout wording, Jill’s favored language, but she’d only edged the pain down a tiny bit. I just looked wide-eyed at. I'm constantly full of worry and confusion and use this as a defense mechanism to try and stop the truth coming out. Even after several years, gay still sounds a bit weird for me to say, or write. It's like a whole new identity that I discovered in myself one day that I have absolutely no control over. I went from not being attracted to anybody, to wondering why I wasn't attracted to one of the many girls surrounding me every day at school to, oh my god, I'm gay. To be honest, I wasn't happy with the discovery at all. Actually, devastated is a more appropriate phrase; utterly devastated. I didn't want to be gay; I still don't. But I've done my research and, I guess, I don't have no choice. I've heard of some weird therapy that can apparently fix guys to becoming straight, but it sounds too good to be true, or bollocks is probably a better way of summarizing it. I am still a virgin and have never even been kissed. I've been attracted to a few guys. The attraction does feel normal..
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